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| you're perfection.
What I wouldn't do to kiss your neck. I'd do anything to change this but at the same time I'm not doing anything because I can't. I know you'll never want me and it kills me so much. I'd drop anything if you said you could love me like you did but I've fucked it up too much.
There is a large space in my heart that will always be just for you. I know it. I didn't realize how serious it was til it was gone. I think the scariest part is getting over you. I'm not over you but I'm trying real hard. It's scary to forget exactly where your freckles are... it's scary to not remember which leg you tore your acl... or what parts of your back are sensitive. Those things are fading and I'm afraid. I don't want you out of my memory.
You have the craziest smile. It's addictive, sweet, comfortable. Your big lips smother mine when we kiss and I like it. You're unlike anyone I've ever seen or met. I love when you hold me because you're very muscular and no one hugs like you. You're bold and strong and I'll never have that again. I miss the pimples haha and the hair plucking. Just you and I get that.. no one understands like you. No one knows me like you.
I will always hold onto those long, sweet mornings of pillow talk. I'll always remember the way you look at me when I walked into the room. I'll remember the flowers. I'm kinda half hoping you'll take me back. I know it won't happen and I know it. I'm SO sorry I didn't appreciate you. You were a princess and why didn't I tell you that enough? You were my world and I ignored you. You asked me what was more important... baby you're so important! You still are. I love you.
Let me just say I have a weird way of defending myself and that's why things happened the way they did now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought It'd be a good idea to walk away... It didn't help and now I feel worse. It's weird to think of myself with anyone else and I know it's weird for our friends too. I know you're very angry, confused and frustrated with me but I wish I could explain it all. I'm sorry I wasn't the best... I thought I could be. I thought we could work through anything. We needed more communication.
I won't go into details but I will say that this isn't all what it looks like to you. Things must be completely different from your perspective.. and I'm sorry. It hurts to know I'm not good enough for you. I had a lot going on and I didn't pay enough attention. The only thing I can do now is be in your life. I'll be a good friend because I know everything about you and we had a lot of fun. I forgive you for the other night when you said really terrible things because I would have said the same thing.
I hope I can see you tomorrow.
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| i find myself yet again at another crossroads in my life and of course, i'm still 19. why the age significance you ask?... well i honestly feel i was this age about 4 years ago. i'd like to be 24 right now and out of college. i'd like a normal life minus the financial aid, the loans, the student id's, the dorms, the parties and most of all, the hard work. i'm not seeing much results but when i look back and think about it, i've noticed that i've gone so far. i've made it to university park when people told me it would be impossible, i switched my major, i have a full time job, i have a car, i have credit cards, i have bills and i am paying for college out of my pockets. i'm an adult. i do everything on my own with little help not because i don't have people to reach out but because i hate asking for it.
i was the kind of kid who at 8 would set her alarm by herself. i walked my self to the bus stop every day and made sure i got home safely alone. i practiced all those hours, i called all those people, i made sure i got to all those rehearsals and auditions on time. this is not to say that i owe everything to myself, i surely couldn't do it alone. i'm merely stating the fact that i'm extremely independent.
or am i? did i tell you how i can't sleep alone? did i tell you i still need someone to hold me? this is why i'm still 19. when i wake up in the morning feeling lonely with my teddy bear i realize i'm 19. when i get into stupid fights over trivial things that could be resolved easy it hits me with i'm still the age i am. i'm a contradiction, yet i'm crystal clear. i'm an oxymoron. i'm cc.
i remember this time last year and there are some uncanny similarities i've found. the pens are yet again in the stanley cup playoffs, i feel like i'm falling again and i'm in transition. it's weird to see pictures of you from last year and to read old messages and feel the rush all over again. i miss that and i miss us. it's been over two months and i can't let go.. nor do i intend to. i know everything is going to be okay because i like where we are right now. we're healthy, happy and enjoying our time. i feel better knowing i'm only 5 minutes from you at any moment. i love how we're taking a night class together. i love this.
as some of you know, i've been living an hour outside of state college in a hell hole called dubois for the past 4ish months. i was commuting almost every day to happy valley to work and see normal people. i was living out of a backpack and my trunk for most of that time, especially towards the end. i will never put myself through that again. i was so isolated and stuck in a very conservative redneck town. it was torture and the worst feelings imaginable all mixed up in whirlwind. to top it off, i went through a breakup. alone. i had to endure days on end where i didn't speak to a single person because i couldn't connect. i never want to feel that again and it was probably the hardest part of my life thus far... well, my shitty childhood aside at least it was the worst.
i don't really know the point. when i first started writing this i thought i had a point but not so much anymore.
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| that's right, folks. i moved out of Dubois today and will be staying with lex for a few days until i start summer classes at university park. i then move into my apartment when the lease starts in august! the blue band auditions are coming up and i'm excited.
meg and i have been seeing each other almost every day the past week and a half... it's SO nice to be with her and it feels really new and fresh but at the end of the day, she's not mine. i'm not hers anymore. i guess you can say i'm expecting too much too soon but i know she loves me. sometimes i wonder what we're wating for but then my maturity kicks in (like i hope it does) and tells me that we need to really talk before we go back into this.
if she wants to see me and kiss me everyday then she must want me? right? then again, my doubt always finds a way in and makes me think she's just having fun and doesn't want a relationship. well, she kinda told me that but i feel like maybe it's where we're going. i can't get hurt again.. is she leading me on? the way she looks at me after we kiss tells me no. i'm probably freaking out but i have a right to. meg was the most important thing in my life for a year and now she's not and i want that back. i want to make the best of this summer. no pressure. no high expectations. i'm going to let it happen and god i hope she's ready someday.
i left my landlord bitch a rude letter and i refrained from cursing in it which i really wanted to. i added that just because i'm a gay agnostic doesn't mean i should be treated the way i was. (she was such a dick to me) well, i'm out, i owe the whore nothing and that's it. i'll never come back to dubois. think of all the money i'm saving by switching to geico.. haha i mean by not driving an hour one-way almost every day to state college to work and not be lonely. i'm so over dubois. it's honestly put me in some kind of depression. i gained weight, lost a lot, was so upset i couldnt sleep or eat.. god it was so terribly miserable. i will never do anything like this again. my hellish prison of a nightmare is over today. let's celebrate!
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| i was preparing for this for quite some time.. i knew it would end and i could tell by the way she communicated with me recently. i'm very hurt, very alone and scared. i don't want to lose her. i really wish this were all a dream but it's not.
we decided to try and 'date' or whatever it was that we agreed to do. a few days later, i had to tell her this wasn't working and that i was hurting extremely bad. i couldnt deal with it... someone either wants to be with you or they don't and i couldn't handle being teased and dangled around. she doesnt feel like she can be in a relationship with me right now which i can deal with.. but being away from her is the hardest. knowing she's not with me anymore kills me. feeling like she doesnt care hurts. most of all, i lost my best friend.
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| we're not broken up.. but it's been two weeks and she doesn't even want to see me. i don't know how she's feeling and that's what's killing me right now. the truth is.. i fucked up. i see it now. i'm realizing all my mistakes and i've never been so in my head the last few weeks. she wants two more. i'm having the worst time here.
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